A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if 
she wants some.
"How hard is it?" she asks.
"About as hard as my dick." he replies. "Ok, then pour me some!"

A customer was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny 
little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the 
bartender's attention. He glanced at it and said, "It's a ladybug."
After a moment of stunned silence the customer said, "Good Lord, what 
incredible eyesight you have!"

    Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's
   got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says,
   "What's in the bags?"
   "Sand," answered Juan.
   The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike."
   The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and
   finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the
   sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in
   the bags.
   The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto
   the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
   A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you
   got?"
   "Sand," says Juan.
   The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
   contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan
   crosses the border on his bicycle.
   This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
   Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a
   Cantina in Mexico.
   "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something.
   It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about.....
   I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
   Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

One of the life's mysteries is how a two-pound
box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past 
them.
One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was 
moving?" 
The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes 
and they were all on fire!"