There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane.
At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets.
When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and
exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to
show your ticket here, not your stub." 

These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one 
lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push 
over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous 
direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse 
over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round 
and returned home an hour later from a completely different 
direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.
Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in 
hand and bellowed, "Did you two push the outhouse over this 
afternoon?"
The older boy replied, "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. 
Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon."
At this revalation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys 
severely and sent them to bed without supper.
In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the brekfast 
table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their 
father finally said, "Have you two learned your lesson?"
"Sure, Dad!" said the big brother, "But, in school we learned 
that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd 
chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he 
told the truth."
"Ah yes!' said the farmer, "BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the 
cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!" 

A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so 
after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the 
minor of three possible operations. 

The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not 
pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he 
recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious 
operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. 

But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back 
in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one. 

After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes 
normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in 
conceiving a baby.

Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular 
examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so 
happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this 
third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, 
but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy 
for weeks after."

"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard 
operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather 
than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to 
your uterus."

What happens when you sing country and western music backwards?

You get your wife and your job back.

I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen,
they don't come in when you call, they like
to stay out all night, come home and expect
to be fed and stroked, then want to be left
alone and sleep. In other words, every quality
that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.