A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her
company at home.
She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it
wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun
to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately
spotted a large beautiful parrot.

She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.
The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking
and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first
that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says
pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the
bird. She said she would buy it anyway.
The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.
She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it
to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her,
and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
that's not so bad.
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned
from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and
said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than
began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the
woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and
said, "New house, new madam, new whores, Hi George!"

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th 
wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife 
"Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me 
that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now
I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful 
experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all 
that away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?"
...The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she 
paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
...The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting 
hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks 
"Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"
...Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she 
tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says "You".

   A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in
   it. He turns around to
   push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her
   breast. He says, "Oh, I'm
   so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be
   able to forgive me." She
   looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis
   is as hard as your
   elbow, I'm in room 204."
   

Two gay male lovers were talking and Bob says to Jon, "I wish I had chest 
hair like you" So the next day Bob goes to the doctor and asks for 
something to grow chest hair. The doctor gives him something and he says 
"It will work in about two months." Two months later Bob has no hair on 
his chest and back to the doctor he goes. The Doctor says, 'Rub some 
Vaseline on your chest, and in a week you will be growing hair.' Jon comes 
home that day seeing Bob rub Vaseline and asks "Why?" Bob says "to grow 
chest hair" Jon says if Vaseline grows hair you would have a ponytail 
comin' out your ass!"

   Speaking of divorce (I was), this woman petitions the court for a
   divorce on the grounds that her husband "beats her." The Judge,
   wanting every detail asked how often it was he beat the woman.
   
   "Every damn time your Honor," she sighed, "Every damn time !"