Q.  What do pub landlords say in Kosovo at chucking out time?

A.  "Come on you lot, have you not got any homes to go to?"

   A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes
   one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the
   window.
   
   Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins
   to stroke her thigh.
   
   As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
   
   "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatolegical
   abnormalities."
   
   "That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
   
   "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
   
   "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps of breast
   cancer."
   
   "That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual
   intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm
   doing now?"
   
   "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
   

This reminds me of a similar stunt we used to enjoy at the dining hall
in my undergrad days.  The food service used opaque plastic salt and
pepper shakers with pop-off tops that could be pried off with a knife
blade if you were persistent enough.

PREPARATION (in a restroom nearby):  (1) Empty salt ( or pepper) from a
previously 'acquired' container and fill about 1/3 full with
concentrated lemon juice.  (2) Place a thin tissue across the opening,
poke it down a bit to form a depression, and fill the depression with
about a teaspoon of baking soda.  (3)  Cover (from the inside) the
holes of the top with tape of the appropriate color.  (4) Replace top
on container and trim visible tissue from around the top.

Carry the device to dining hall (upright and as stable as is
possible...  for your own sake).

After discretely placing the shaker on your table (only place it near
to you... see caveat \#1 below), observe the next person to use the
salt (pepper).  (S)He will shake lightly at first, then harder as
nothing comes out.  Due to the breakdown of the tissue and the pressure
resulting from the classic acid/base reaction, the top will pop off
(quite spectacularly) amidst a shower of foam.  Your victim (as will as
everyone around) should have quite a reaction, since one does not
usually observe this type of behavior in a salt (pepper) shaker!

CAVEATS: 1.  The top will come off with some force.  If the holes are
sealed well, this will happen on about the second or third shake.
Once, though, due to poor sealing, it took about 5 seconds, during
which time our victim started looking at the shaker to examine the
"foamy stuff coming out" of the holes...  we quickly grabbed the shaker
from her to direct the top towards the ceiling before it went off.  So,
watch carefully!

2.  The "foam shower" (lemon juice \& soda) may ruin you victim meal...
be prepared to pop for another one.

3.  Don't do this if your victim or anyone near ground zero is dressed
up (this joke will flop at board meetings and the like).

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh
Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply. "For
Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the
GUNS!!!
At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up
the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused the man wrote to
his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His
son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

A horse and a rabbit 

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a
mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the
farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but
the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the
mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the
other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow
again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the
horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched
over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my dick and pull
yourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a
Mercedes!