A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. 
He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

    At the Doctor's...
   -A young woman said to her doctor,
   "You have to help me, I hurt all over."
   "What do you mean?" said the doctor.
   -The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,
   "Ow, that hurts."
   -Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled,
   "Ouch! That hurts, too."
   -Then she touched her right earlobe.
   "Ow, even THAT hurts."
   The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
   -"Why yes," she said.
   "I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger."

Did you hear about that guy who was tap dancing?

He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. 

Q: Why should we feel bad for the gay homeless population?

A: None of them have closets to come out of.

A teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate the following 
sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry."
Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, "Let's see. Fun 
period fun period fun no period worry worry worry!!!"