Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward, "What's wrong?
What's the emergency?"

"Oh, Mister Smith, your child was just born and I have some
terrible news for you. It's disfigured."
"Well, how bad is it? Can I see?"
"Follow me, sir."

They head down a restricted corridor and come to the first
door. Inside, in the respirator, is a newborn child without arms.
Mister Smith is upset, "Oh my God! How terrible to be born this way!"
The nurse interrupts, "No Mister Smith, that isn't your child.
Follow me, please."
They come to another room and there lies a newborn with no arms OR legs.
Mister Smith cries, "Oh dear God! What could be worse than this?"
"No mister Smith, that's not your child. Follow me."
Next room down, Smith looks in. This kid is only a head. No body at all.
"Oh my God! How awful! What could be worse than this?"
"Not your child, sir. Follow me."

One more room left in the hall. Mister Smith forces himself to
enter. There on a pillow is a single huge ear.
"This is your child, Mister Smith."

Smitty goes nuts, "Oh Lord! What could possibly be worse
than this!? But...It's still my son. I will talk to him, I will amuse him 
with bed-time stories. I will sing him lullabies..."

"Sir, it's deaf."

A Jewish man has just won the lottery and invites his family to a
dinner. He then stands up to thank everyone. 

 "First I must thank my beautiful wife for her help and support, then
I want to thank my children, and the lottery commission."

   "Then I would like to thank Adolf Hitler". Suddenly everyone was
silent as he showed some numbers tatooed on his forearm and said,
"For the winning numbers".

What's a accordion good for?

     Learning how to fold a map. 

    Computer Ease!

   The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration
   for the planned Windows 2000:
   1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
   2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
   3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
   4. Press any key except ... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
   5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
   6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
   7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
   8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
   game?
   9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
   10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log
   off."
   11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
   12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
   13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
   14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Reboot Washington D. C? (Y/N)
   15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
   16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
   17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
   18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
   19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
   20. User Error: Replace user.
   21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
   22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
   23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and
   all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
   24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
   have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks.
After a while the conversation started turning a little
rude and crass. Soon the women were getting louder and
they were arguing about how wide their snatches were.
(This happens all the time.) 
The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg,
grabbed a baseball bat and slid it home. 
All the people in the bar were watching, hooting and
hollering, throwing money. 
Five minutes later the second woman got up, lifted her
leg, grabbed a bowling ball and slid it in. 
People were going ballistic. 
Finally the third women very casually got up on the bar
and asked for a quarter. She slid it in..... and the
jukebox starts playing.