What's Michael Jackson's favorite hobby?
Blowing bubbles. 

On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to 
change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all 
showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband 
says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is 
astonished.  "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are 
so beautiful, let me take your picture."
  
Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"
  
He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to 
my heart forever".
  
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into 
the bathroom to shower.
  
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do 
you wear a robe?  We are married now." at that the man opens 
his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a 
picture".
  
He beams and asks, "why?"
  
She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!

Befuddled PC Users Flood Help Lines,

                       and no Question Seems to be Too Basic



 From the Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, March 1, 1994.
 Reprinted without permission
 
AUSTIN, Texas -  The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get
her new Dell computer to turn on.  Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp.
technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the
woman what happened when she pushed the power button.
 
"I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the
woman replied.  "Foot pedal?" the technician asked.  "Yes," the woman
said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch."  The "foot
pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device
that helps to control the computer's operations.

[boring stuff deleted] 

Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techies
needing help on complex problems.  But now, with computer sales to homes
exploding as new "multimedia" functions gain mass appeal, PC makers say
that as many as 70% of their calls come from rank novices.  Partly
because of the volume of calls, some computer companies have started
charging help-line users.
 
[boring stuff deleted] 

John Wolf: "A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Contura
would not work.  She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to
happen.  When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she
asked, 'What power switch?'"
 
Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users.  So many people have
called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the
screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key."

Some people can't figure out the mouse.  Tamra Eagle, an AST technical
support supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard
to control with the "dust cover" on.  The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.  Dell technician Wayne Zieschang
says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen,
all the while clicking madly.  The customer got no response because the
mouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface.
 
Disk drives are another bugaboo.  Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says
a customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his
old diskettes.  After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to
diagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done with
the diskette.  The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette,
roll it into the typewriter..."
 
At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request that
she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk.  A letter from the customer
arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. And at
Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in
the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," the
customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the
door to his room.  The technician meant the door to his floppy drive.
 
The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling.  A Dell
customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything.
After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man
was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor
screen and hitting the "send" key.
 
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell
echnician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead.  "Yeah, I got me
couple of friends," the customer replied.  When told Egghead was a
software store, the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find a
couple of geeks."
 
Not realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging
parts beyond repair.  A Dell customer called to complain that his
keyboard no longer worked.  He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his  
     tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, and
then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
 
Computers make some people paranoid.  A Dell technician, Morgan Vergara, says
he once calmed a man who became enraged because "his computer had told him he
was bad and an invalid."  Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's
"bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
 
These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking on
the role of amateur psychologists.  Mr. Shuler, the Dell technician, who
once worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domestic
fight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after the
man had screamed threats at his wife and children in the background.
 
There are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if it
happens to be a computer techie.  One man from New Hampshire calls Dell
every time he experiences a life crisis.  He gets a technician to walk
him through some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feeling
uplifted by the process.

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a 
picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one 
raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What 
animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good 
Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. 
None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on 
this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and 
says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next 
she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized 
the animal.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's 
something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the
blind man and hands him a menu. 
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the
menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous
customer, I'll smell it and order from there." 
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty
dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to
the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind
man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep
breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and
mashed potatoes." 
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks
towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's
wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind
man eats his meal and leaves. 

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner
mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me?
I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a
dirty fork." 
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to
the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man
says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and
chesse with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief,
the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him
and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes
in he's going to test him. 
The blind man eats and leaves. 

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's
him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary
rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." 
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind
man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. 
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you." 
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and
says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"