So this Mexican dude was taking a piss on the side of a building
and this white dude sees him. After the Mexican is done the white
guy asks him, "How come you Mexicans don't wash your hands after
you pee?"

And the Mexican guy replies, "Because we Mexicans don't piss in
our hands"

Dec. 8   5:00 p.m. - It's starting to snow, the first of
     the season, and the wife and I took our buttered rum and sat
     by the window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging
     to the trees and covering the ground. It was so beautiful.

 Dec. 9 - We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal
     white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight.
     Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantel.
     I shoveled snow for the first time in years, and I loved it.
     I did both our driveway and our sidewalks. Later the
     snowplow came along and covered up our driveway with
     compacted snow from the street. He smiled and I waved back.
     I shoveled it again.

 Dec. 12 - The sun has melted most of our lovely snow. Oh
     well, I'm sure we'll get a little more before this lovely
     winter is over.

 Dec. 14 - It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature
     dropped to about 0 degrees. Shoveled the sidewalk and
     driveway again. Shortly the snowplow came by and did his
     trick again.

 Dec. 15 - Sold our car and bought a 4x4 Blazer so we could
     get through the snow. Bought snow tires for the truck.

 Dec. 18 - Fell on my Ass on the ice in the driveway. $23.00
     to the chiropractor, but nothing was broken, thank God! The
     damn sky is getting dark again.

 Dec. 19 - Still cold (-10 this a.m.) Icy roads making for
     very tough driving. Slid into a guard rail with my wife's
     car. Probably a $100.00 damage or so. She's pissed-off.

 Dec. 20 - Had another 14 inches of the white shit last
     night. More shoveling in store for me today. That damned
     snowplow came by twice.

 Dec. 22 - We are assured of a white Christmas because
     another 7 inches of that white shit fell today and with this
     freezing weather it won't melt till August! Got all dressed
     up to go out and shovel that shit again. (Boots, snowsuit,
     jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc...) then got the urge to
     pee.

 Dec 24 - If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives
     that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls.
     I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to
     finish shovelling and then comes down the street 100 miles
     an hour and throws that white shit everywhere.

 Dec. 25 - MERRY CHRISTMAS... they predict 12 more inches of
     the fucking white stuff tonight. Does anyone know how many
     damned shovels full of snow 12 inches is? To hell with
     Santa, he doesn't have to shovel that white shit. The
     snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I hit him
     with my ice axe.

 Dec. 28 - We got 11 more inches. I must be going snowblind
     or have a severe case of depression.

 Dec. 29 - The toilet froze and the roof is starting to
     cave-in. If you go outside, don't eat the brown snow.

 Dec. 30 - I torched the damned house ... moving back to
     Florida!

The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's 
office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic 
cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis 
you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable 
positions," the medic said.

"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your 
Lamborghini."

Why do you wrap duct tape around a hamster?

So it doesn't explode when you fuck it.

Can you pass the Baby Boomer Quiz? 

 1.  Name the Beatles, first and last names.

 2.  Finish this line: "Lions, and tigers, and bears ..." (2 words)

 3.  "Hey kids, what time is it?" (4 words)

 4.  What do M&Ms do?

 5.  What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?

 6.  Before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest, we knew 
     him as ... (2 words)
 
 7.  "You'll wonder where the yellow went, ..." (7 words)

 8.  Before he was the Skipper's little buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's 
     best friend, ... (First and last names, and middle initial)

 9.  "M-I-C See ya real soon. K-E-Y ..." (5 words)

10.  A 'streaker' is someone who might run across campus wearing what?

11.  "Brylcream: ..." (6 words)

12.  Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone .... (2 words)

13.  "I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder who ..." (6 words)

14.  "War, uh-huh, huh, yeah, what is it good for? ..." (2 words)

15.  Where have all the flowers gone?

16.  Superman, "disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a 
     great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle for 
     truth, justice, and ..." (3 words)

17.  Who came from the University of Alabama to become one of the 
     greatest QB's in NFL history and appeared in a TV commercial 
     wearing women's pantyhose?  Extra credit if you know his nickname!

18.  "I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm strong 
     to the finish ..." (5 words)

19.  Who played Peter Pan before all these other imitators?

20.  In "The Graduate," Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) was advised 
     about his future and told to consider one thing.  What?

21.  In 1962, a dejected politician, having lost a race for governor, 
     announced his retirement and chastised the press saying, "Just 
     think, you don't have ... to kick around any more." (2 words) 
     And he lied!

22.  "Every morning at the mine you could see him arrive.  He stood 
     six feet six, weighed 245 pounds, kinda broad at the shoulder 
     and narrow at the hip, and everybody knew you didn't give no 
     lip to ..." (2 words)

23.  Where did Fats Domino find his thrill? (3 words)

24.  "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ..." (3 words)

25.  "Good night, Chet. ..." (3 words)

26.  "Liar, liar, ..." (3 words) And it's not a Jim Carrey movie!

27.  "When it's least expected, you're elected.  You're the star 
     today!  Smile!  ..." (4 words)
     .
     .
     .
     .
     .
Answers:

 1.  John Lennon, Paul McCartney (Sir), George Harrison, Ringo Starr 
     (Richard Starkey)
 2.  Oh, my!
 3.  It's Howdy Doody Time!
 4.  melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
 5.  Wonder bread
 6.  Casius Clay
 7.  "when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent"
 8.  Maynard G. Crebbs
 9.  "... why, because we like you."
10.  nothing but a smile!
11.  "a little dab will do ya."
12.  over 30!
13.  "...who wrote the book of love"
14.  "absolutely nothing!"
15.  "long time passing"
16.  "the American way"
17.  "Joe Nameth", aka "Broadway Joe", aka "Joe Willie".
18.  "...'cause I eats me spinach."
19.  Mary Martin.
20.  "Plastic"
21.  Dick Nixon.
22.  "Big John"
23.  on blueberry hill.
24.  "...wherever you are."
25.  "Good night, David."
26.  "...pants on fire."
27.  "You're on Candid Camera."