While making love to his wife, Carl discovered he couldn't enjoy it.
   Though they had been married only a few years, he relflectly
   unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland. Then
   quite suddenly, alarmed, he said: "What happened, did I hurt you ?"
   
   "Why no, not at all," said his surprised wife. "Whatever made you ask
   that ?"
   
   "Well, no reason actually," the bored husband replied with a sigh,
   "It's just that for a moment there, I thought you actully moved."

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this 
inscription:
"You are not getting older,
You are just getting better."
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not 
getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the 
bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve
the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
   zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
   sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in
   front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on
   the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding
   his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady
   in the sheer dress.
   
   The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the
   poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and
   flirt w/the ape.
   
   She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that
   would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her
   straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he's just about
   to tear the bars down.
   
   The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the
   thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
   
   Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
   door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, "Now, tell him
   you have a headache."

    A Blonde
   A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
   decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
   She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and
   told him, "I've kidnapped you."
   She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
   morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree
   next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A
   Blonde."
   The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home
   to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and
   sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The
   Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,
   "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

   One day Johnny went to his father and asked him if he could buy him a
   $200 bicycle for his birthday.
   
   Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $ 80,000 mortgage on the
   house and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Xmas"
   
   Xmas came around and Johnny asked again.
   
   The father said, "Well the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry
   about that. Ask me again some other time."
   
   Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house
   with all his belongings in a suitcase.
   
   The father felt sorry for him and asked him why he was leaving. The
   boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say
   that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because
   she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000
   Mortgage!"