I have an answering machine in my car. It says: I'm
home now,but leave a message and I'll call when
I'm out.

Steven Wright

"We had gay burglars the other night.
They broke in and rearranged the furniture." 

Robin Williams.

"The reigning Miss Canada has been arrested for
punching out another woman in a bar fight...Quite
frankly, I think it's refreshing to finally find
one beauty pageant winner who is against world peace." 

    - Jay Leno 

The Schizophrenic: an unauthorized autobiography 

Since light travels faster than sound, people
appear bright until you hear them speak.