New Yorkers like to boast that if you can survive in New York, you can 
survive anywhere. But if you can survive anywhere, why live in New York? 

                                         - Edward Abbey

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

"I just woke up, I'm 40 miles from my car and I can't remember where I left my
 trousers. I think I'm going to be a little late."
                        -- Someone's employee, rec.humor.funny

"You'd better talk to Adrian, he's better at testicle support..."
                        -- Lynn Howard (oops)

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's 
because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know 
THAT? 

                                  - Wendy Liebman