What do you get when you cross a Rooster with an owl?

A Cock that can stay up all night!!

Why did the grape cross the road?

To get away from the grapefruit.

Only in America...

   Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
   ambulance...
   Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a
   skating rink...
   Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry,
   and a diet coke...
   Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
   pens to the counters...
   Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
   driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
   Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and
   then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
   want to talk to in the first place...
   Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
   packages of eight...
   Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the
   process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
   "blood-sucking creatures"...

New secretary (second day on the job) answers telephone as is told in
official tones: "This is the phone company.  We are testing a new
circuit wiring scheme in your offices.  Please keep everyone off the
phones for the next 10 minutes.  We will be verifying the correct wiring
of your system by passing HOT STEAM through the wires.  Instruct your
employees to place their phones on the floor, or, better yet, wrap them
in towels to avoid scalding themselves.  We will advise you when the
tests are complete $click$"  After momentary panic, the secretary begins
a frenzied "Paul Revere" routine, running from desk to desk while
glancing frequently at her watch.  Just as the 10 minutes are about up,
she bursts into her boss's office (while he is in the midst of an
important long-distance call) and, screaming, grabs the receiver from
his hand and flings the whole phone under his desk...

   A man goes into a pet shop that advertises "unusual pets" and tells
   the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
   
   The owner says, "How about Phil, the dog?" The man replies, "Come on,
   a dog can't do everything."
   
   The owner says, "How about Miriam, the cat?" The man replies, "No way!
   A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do
   everything, damn it!"
   
   The owner thinks for a minute. Then says, "I've got it! ... Charlie,
   the centipede! HE can do everything. But it will cost you."
   
   The man says, "Charlie, the centipede? ... I can't imagine a centipede
   doing everything but ... okay, if you guarantee he can do everything
   ... I'll try a centipede."
   
   He gets the centipede home and says, "Charlie, clean the kitchen."
   
   Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate.
   All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away.
   The countertops cleaned. The appliances sparkling. The floor waxed.
   He's absolutely amazed.
   
   He says to the centipede, "Charlie, go clean the living room."
   
   Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has
   been vacuumed. The furniture cleaned and dusted. The pillows on the
   sofa plumped. Plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the
   most amazing thing I've ever seen. This is a pet that really can do
   everything."
   
   He sits down to watch a little TV, turns to the centipede and says,
   "Charlie, run down to the corner and get me a newspaper, please."
   
   The centipede leaves. 10 minutes later ... no Charlie. 20 minutes
   later ... no Charlie. 30 minutes later ... no Charlie.
   
   The man is wondering what's going on. The darn centipede should have
   been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later ... still no
   Charlie!
   
   The man can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run
   away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is Charlie?
   
   He goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's Charlie sitting
   right outside the door. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you out 45
   minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's
   the story?!"
   
   The centipede says, angrily, "Hey, man, cut me some slack here, will
   ya? I'm still putting on my shoes!"