A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the
   house. He got the outside.

One day this old man was about to have sex with a young girl which he did 
not know. The old man began to put on his condom when the young girl asked 
him why is he putting one on. She said "you don't have to worry about 
getting me pregnant because you are too old and you don't have to worry 
about catching anything because you are going to die pretty soon anyway". 
The old man continued to put on his condom he then looked up at the girl 
and said, "young girl the reason I am putting on this condom isn't because 
I am afraid of getting you pregnant or catching anything. I just like the 
scent of burning rubber."

What is the difference between a toilet and Convienience Store Clerk?

A toilet only has to deal with one asshole at a time.

This man goes into the doctor with his ringhole in a terrible state,
really bad now.
Doctor: "What happened to you?"
He says: "I was in Africa on safari and I got raped by an elephant!"
Doctor: "But I don't understand. Elephant penises are very narrow and
couldn't cause that much damage!"
He says "Aah but you see doctor, he fingered me first!"

Why do women get PMS?

THEY JUST FUCKING DO ALRIGHT!?