What goes in and out and smells of piss?

The Queen Mother

Who makes all the bras for brunettes?
             
Fisher-Price

   A man driving outside of Baltimore, Maryland was southbound on
   Interstate 95 in the far right hand lane traveling at 55 mph, minding
   his own business. He noticed in his rear view mirror that a Maryland
   State Trooper was right behind him. A mile later nothing changed,
   except now he's driving at 65 mph, the maximum limit. Several miles
   further along, the Trooper's right on his bumper and the man increases
   his speed to 75 mph. The Trooper activates his lights and siren and
   the man reluctantly pulls onto the shoulder.
   
   After the Trooper demands the man's driver's license and registration,
   he sez, "Mr. {Smith}, I cannot for the life of me figure out why, when
   you knew I was behind you for quite some time, you sped up knowing
   that you could be cited for speeding. What in the world caused you to
   do that ?
   
   The man looked relieved, stared the Trooper directly in the eye and
   softly spoke, "Trooper, three months ago, my wife ran off with a
   Maryland State Trooper. I thought you were him, bringing her back."

Tooth Fairy Form Letter

Dear ____________:

Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of
lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your
request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odour
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
(x) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth
    fairy
( ) you were age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth (x) the tooth was
    guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
(x) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or
    were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
    [ ] string
    [ ] pliers
    [ ] gunpowder
    [ ] hammer marks
    [ ] chisel
    [ ] part of skull attached to tooth
    [ ] no dental care
( ) other:

Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following
certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near
you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in
the future.

Sincerely,

The Tooth Fairy

A boy comes home from school and tells his mother that he got a part in 
the school play. "What part?" the mother asked.
"I play a Jewish husband," the boy replied. 
"Go back to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking role!"