What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

lick-a-lot-a-pus


Sent by rob

   The Freudian Slip

   Ted and John are setting in the bar and John asked Ted if he bought
   the train tickets to go see the Steelers game this weekend. Ted says
   yea and kinda looked a little funny. John said is there anything wrong?
   Ted said naw, everythings OK. They take a few more sips of beer and Ted
   ask John if he had ever embarrassed himself by saying something he didn't
   mean to say. John said sure, it happens to everyone. Ted said there's
   a name for that isn't there...you know, where you accidently use the
   wrong words when you are trying to say something. Yea, says John, it's
   called a Freudian slip. Yea, thats it said Ted, I couldn't think of the word.
   Why are you asking said John?
   Well, yesterday I went to the train station to get the train tickets for
   Pittsburg, and the girl selling tickets has this incredible set of jugs.
   I pulled out the money and laid it on the counter and asked her to give me
   two pickets to Titsburg and then had to embarrassingly say I mean two
   tickets to Pittsburg. God, it just embarressed the shit out of me.
   You ever done anything that stupid?
   Funny you would ask, said John. Just this morning my wife and I...gosh,
   I guess we've been married going on 23 years now..., were having breakfast.
   I was reading the paper and drinking my coffie. I meant to say, "dear, would
   you please pass me the sugar", but instead I said, 'You fucking bitch, you've ruined my life.'
   

    A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when
   they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the
   following symbols in order of appearance.
   1. A dog
   2. A donkey
   3. A shovel
   4. A fish
   5. A Star of David
   They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at
   least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece
   of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from
   all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
   They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what
   they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of
   their Society stood up, pointed at the first drawing and said, "This
   looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race
   as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this
   statement you, can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so,
   they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
   The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they
   even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high
   intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a famine that hit
   the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for
   food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they
   were evidently Hebrews."
   The audience applauded enthusiastically, the President smiled and
   said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our
   interpretations."
   Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and
   said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings
   say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't
   read from left to right, but from right to left... Now, look
   again..... It now says:
   "HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"

    A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a
   gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."
   So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's
   the name of your penis?"
   The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
   The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you
   tell me the name of your penis."
   So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a
   beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to
   left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX."
   The guy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes
   a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
   A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a
   fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man to his
   right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job
   1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
   Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up
   with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims,
   "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer."
   The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look
   asks, "Why secret?"
   The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a
   woman!"

What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her skirt?

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