Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses 
were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to 
the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt 
fell asleep!'.

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

"Mom, I'm pregnant."

"How can that be?  What did I tell you about sex?"

"That I should take measures.  That's what I did!  I took 
measures and then went with the biggest."

The way to a man's heart is through his feet

(but you need a long knife). 

British Military Officer Fitness Reports



The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports).  The form used
for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206.  The following are
actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been,
  but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
  whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
  satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around
  at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then
  he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to
  port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
  them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
  trap

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure

A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New 
York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a 
Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker. He asked, "Excuse me, I 
would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?" 
The Saudi replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?" 
The Russian said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?" 
The North Korean replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?" 
The New Yorker replied, "Excuse me, but what is 'excuse me?'"