A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the
   ship after a big night
   ashore. As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over
   himself. Pointing to an
   apprentice seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in
   the brig for vomiting
   on me!"
   The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that
   the young seaman
   had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
   "Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he`d also shit in
   your pants."
   

Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in 
walks a Nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.
Astonished, one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week and
we all got rat-arsed."
Being quick on the uptake the second one says, " My dad says he will marry
my mum next year."
Despite this the Nun stays right where she is.
In desperation the third one says, " My old man will never ever marry my
mum."
The Nun looks up from her food and says, " Would one of you bastards 
please pass the salt."

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody



This is a story about four people named Everbody, Somebody, Anybody
and Nobody.  There was an important job to be done and Everybody was
sure that Somebody would do it.  Anybody could have done it, but
Nobody did it.  Somebody got angry about that, because it was 
Everybody's job.  Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody
realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.  It ended up that Everbody
blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

   "Winnie The ????"

   It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class.
   The
   teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one
   thing
   they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to
   the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got.
   "My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said.
   The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the
   correct
   words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl
   to
   try again. The girl thinks real hard ........
   "My dad got me a dog," she said.
   She sat down and a boy got up and said, "I got a choo-choo!"
   The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought
   hard
   and said, "I got an electric train!!"
   That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says,
   "I got a book" The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks,
   "What was the title of the book??"
   The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking.
   Finally, the boys face brightened and he said,
   "Winnie The Shit!!"

New University Promos 

     It was clear that one day the Ivy League would grow desperate. The 
the average tuition (per year) for each institution is outta site and they 
just aren't getting enough applicants. I understand that in a rash, 
unprecedented move, some colleges are taking out advertising in the middle 
of 'Sesame Street' episodes, to differentiate themselves from their 
competitors. 

     BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose 
ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are 
you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO 
BROWN!!! 

     COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are 
you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman 
year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!! 

     HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do 
you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social 
life? Do you hate that too? COME TO HARVARD!!! 

     PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are 
you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know? 
How many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of 
living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!! 

     PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot ? How about four more 
years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does 
the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!! 

     CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in 
jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future 
hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the 
chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL -- 
The Big Red Tape!!! 

     DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away 
from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to 
drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what's your feeling 
on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!! 

     M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you 
hate doing anything that doesn't involve math? That's right, math! Math 
math math math and more math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE !!! 

     BOSTON COLLEGE: If you haven't figured out how to invent the wheel 
(but have discovered fire and fire-sticks), don't know your ass from your 
elbows (but do know genetic plant structures and genetic recombination 
enough to produce 24 variants of 'da weed' with a garden weasel and a 
piece of Egyptian chewing gum preserved for 2000 years, enjoy the 
advantages of indecision (hence being in Boston, but not really), and 
enjoyed Student Council so much that you NEED TO LIVE IT AGAIN, COME TO 
BC!!! 

     SYRACUSE: Hey kids, do you like it when your Chancellor takes all 
your money and gives it to a private firm to design a new logo and mascot 
because yours isn't selling well? Are athletics the only thing that 
matters to you? Do you believe in money first, students last? Is your idea 
of a good time learning about the History of the salt trade and the Erie 
canal? THEN COME TO SYRACUSE!!!