The South Takes a Cue from Oakland 



Everyone is familiar with the plan to teach Ebonics in such leftist enclaves as California and
Massachusetts. "Ebonics," a neologism created by combining "Ebony" and "phonics," is supposed 
to be the language of the untermenschen, the urban underclass.

Here in the South, we have a similar movement, called "Bubbonics!" Created from mixing "Bubba"
and "phonics," we too have an entirely separate language from English. Like Ebonics, Bubbonics 
has a slightly different alphabet and different pronunciations from standard English. For 
example, the English language includes the letter "L" although Bubbonics does not. Likewise, 
vowel pronunciation in Bubbonics is different from English pronunciation.

Take, for example, the following sentences in English, and their translation into Bubbonics:

Can I help you?
Kin ah hip ewe?

Hi, I'm Don Fowler.
Hah, ahm Dahn Fah-wah.

The discerning English speaker quickly notices that Bubbonics has fewer vowel sounds than 
English, and the primary vowel sound is "ah." The letters A and E are generally replaced with 
the sound of a short i.

For the advanced scholar, there are actually many interesting comparisons between Ebonics and
Bubbonics. Indeed, there have even been suggestions that Ebonics is actually a degraded form 
of Bubbonics, which is itself a degraded form of English. Consider the following statement in
Bubbonics and their counterparts in Ebonics:

Ah axed ewe a quest-shun.
I axed you a question, sukka.

Ah be smaht.
I be smarts now.

Hooked ahn Bahbahnics wukks fuh me.
Hooked on 'bonics be wukking fo me.

If you're a native English speaker, and you can read the writing on the wall, then you know 
that your native tongue is soon to be as dead as Latin, spoken only in weird rituals or taught 
to kids in prep school.

And if you're a native English speaker and you CAN'T read the writing on the wall, it's 
probably already in Bubbonics or Ebonics, and you're just that far behind.

Gracefully surrender the things of your youth. Clean air. Tuna. Taiwan. The English language. 
And remember: Bilingual Education means teaching kids to be illiterate in two languages.

How do you get an elephant out of the water?
Wet.

How do you get two elephants out of the water?
One by one.

Three Republicans walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "We don't serve Republicans here."
The Republicans say, "That's OK...We don't serve you either.

A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a
   small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.
   "Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.
   "To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl.
   Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.
   The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.
   "It doesn't work!" she yelled.
   "What do you mean?" asked Mom.
   "Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that
   whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in
   cider."

Did you hear about the guy who got his vasectomy done at Sears?

    -Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.