A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't 
usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty 
woman is the driver so he goes back to help. As he is hooking his truck to 
her car he says, "You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever 
helped out of a ditch".
"But I'm not pregnant," she says.
"Well you're not out of the ditch yet," he says.

George W. Bush walks into a restaurant in Washington DC with his wife 
Laura. The waiter approaches the table and asks for his order. 
"I'll have your biggest, juiciest London Broil," answers the President. 
"But sir, what about the mad cow?!!" asks the waiter. 
"Oh," answers Dubya, "she'll order for herself."

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a 
fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary 
money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a 
turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the 
public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and 
after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth 
owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he 
had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was 
a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the 
drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead 
a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered 
off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than 
before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the 
drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was 
given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third 
attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in 
the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three 
times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time 
there was an onlooker with good eyesight."That's fantastic", the 
man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"

The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to 
the target and inspecting it closely.

"Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! 
Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this 
magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"

"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me 
another one of those little crusty meat pies!"

What do you get if you put your hand down an pyschic's pants? 

     Your palm red once a month. 

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a
policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run
me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could
you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.