What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?

The Spice Girls!

Schick is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City, runs into a hooker,
and he says, "How much?"
She says, "Twenty bucks."
He says, "All right."
They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her.  The next night, he
runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time 
while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts.  When they get 
done, he hands her twenty-FIVE dollars.
She says, "What the extra five?"
He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls."

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? 

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else 
in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the 
bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE 
DAYS before they figured it OUT. 

And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs 
despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 
SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light 
bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to 
stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! 
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT 
BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! 

BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER 
WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP 
THROGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. 

THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did 
you ask me?

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a heck of a lot better than
                        the penalty for murder!

Humor story by Larry Graves

Website: http://www.gravetimes.com                                                    

MY TWO "DELICATE" OPERATIONS



A few years ago, I had two operations in the space of a couple of 

months. These were not major operations. Although for most men, I 

believe they would prefer triple heart bypass surgery instead... No man 

alive has ever looked forward to either of these operations. In fact, I can 

guarantee you the following statements have never been said by any 

man in existence:



 #1    "Oh good, today is my vasectomy!"

 #2    "Oh good, I'm finally getting the circumcision I've always wanted!"



Yes, dear readers, 1990 was not a good year for a member of the family. 

My member, my private part, my willy, my manhood, my good luck charm 

I carry wherever I go.



First I will tell you about the vasectomy. (I hope you have strong 

stomachs.) Men who know I've had this delicate operation always ask 

me how bad it is. I tell them the truth. Except for the unbearable pain and 

embarrassment, it's not bad at all. The embarrassment of laying on the 

operating table as the doctor strolls in, so cocksure. (Pun very much 

intended...) Let's just say,it was very uncomfortable when the doctor 

lifted up the blanket to look at his next job. Very perturbed, he stated "Mr. 

Graves, in order to have a vasectomy, you have to have a penis." I 

assured the doctor that it was there. I pointed to the very spot it was 

located. The doctor sighed heavily and murmured "I can't see dick all!" 

As the doctor tried to control his anger, he asked his nurse to bring in a 

microscope. After searching for a few minutes, he located what he 

believed to be my manhood (okay, boyhood...) I could be imagining 

things but I swear I heard some discussion about contacting the 

Guinness Book of World Records. 



The operation honestly wasn't too bad. It was actually the constant
laughter during the operation which caused me the most pain. When the 

vasectomy was completed, I was thrown a couple of pain killers and told 

I could go home. Very gingerly I walked out of the hospital. My legs 

spread apart as far as possible as I shuffled towards the parking lot. 

Needless to say, everyone who saw me knew what operation I had just 

had. As people gawked and pointed at me, I felt like a real dick. 



The circumcision was basically the same, except I was knocked out for 

the operation. When I awoke from the operation, I felt like I was  being 

woken up from the dead. I looked down at "it" and noticed it was in 

some kind of cast. I started to have visions of girls wanting to sign my 

cast. Silly dreamer I am... Being the comedian I am, I asked the nurse if 

they had enlarged it for me. She stared at me in shock and said "I don't 

think so."





                                    Another dream shattered...


sent by Larry Graves