A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend
had proposed but she had turned him down because she found
out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.
"Marry him anyway, dear." the Mother said. "Between the two
of us, we'll show him just how *wrong* he is."

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then
captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners
that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the
trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces
of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to
gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove
the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll
be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced
out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that
this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,
"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing
just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all
those watermelons!" 

It was a somber day in Disney land, Mickey And Minnie were in divorce court.. 
The judge was about to make his decision he said 'Im sorry mickey, I cant 
grant you a divorce based on your statement that Minnie has prominant teeth"

Mickey retorted " I DIDNT SAY SHE had prominent teeth, I SAID SHE WAS FUCKING GOOFY!!

Two goldfish are in a tank.
One said to the other:

'Do you know how to drive this thing?'


Sent by Claire

    Fly the Friendly Skies in your Cessna
   And who says our controllers don't have a sense of humor?
   ------------------------------------------------
   November 22, 1996 - Any More Complaints? The controller working a busy
   pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle,
   usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the
   727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make
   a 360 in this airplane?"
   Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
   thousand dollars worth."
   ------------------------------------------------
   November 15, 1996 - What the...?! PSA was following United, taxiing
   out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is
   United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go
   first."
   The tower promptly cleared PSA fortakeoff before United had a chance
   to object to the impersonation.
   ------------------------------------------------
   November 8, 1996 - Which Exit Did You Say That Was? A DC-10 had an
   exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed
   just a little too high...San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn
   right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of
   Highway 101 back to the airport."
   ------------------------------------------------
   November 1, 1996 - Ouch! Western Airlines had a term for its second
   officers. The term was "GIB," and stood for "Guy In Back." The term
   was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the
   management at Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been
   browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a "gib"
   is a castrated tomcat.
   ------------------------------------------------
   October 11, 1996 - What Is That Thang? It was a really nice day, right
   about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of
   airliners in order to land at Kansas City...
   KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one
   o'clock and three miles.
   "Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
   KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven
   o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?
   "Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl) "Well...
   I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a
   Chevelle, though."
   ------------------------------------------------
   September 6, 1996 - Mmmm-mmm, Good! Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for
   takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
   Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way,
   as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
   the runway."
   Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
   124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?"
   Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we
   copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
   ------------------------------------------------
   June 28, 1996 - No, That's not what I Said! O'Hare Approach Control:
   "United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
   United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that
   Fokker in sight."
   What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night? "Now I
   know why you named your company Microsoft!