Tonya Harding supposedly saved an 81-year-old woman's life
at the Lost and Found Bar in Portland by performing CPR on
her (the medics said the woman had merely fainted). Says
Jay Leno: "And I guess out of force of habit she performed
mouth-to-mouth on three bikers at the pool table, too." 

The police arrested a guy who claimed his name was Marvin Fuckbreak.  They
phoned his place of employ to ensure that was really his name.  The 
officer said "Do you have a Fuckbreak there?"   The person on the other 
end said "Hell no, we don't even get a coffee break!"

Real Ad:
Ad seen in the The New York Times last week...

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent
condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.