There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual
   disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder
   clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and
   the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there
   in the hallway.
   
   "What condition does he have?" the student asks.
   
   "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he
   doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass
   into a coma."
   
   The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall.
   
   As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around
   his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.
   
   "What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"
   
   "Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a
   better health plan."
   

NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been
using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to
complaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type of
language will no longer be tolerated.

We do realise, however, the importance of staff being able to properly
express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With
this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of
code phrases so proper exchange of ideas/information can continue in
an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive
brethren.

Old Phrase                              New Phrase
1.  No fucking way                    I'm fairly sure that this is not feasible
2.  Your fucking joking               Really
3.  Tell someone who gives a fuck     Have you run that by................
4.  No cunt told me                   I was not involved in that project
5.  I don't have the fucking time     Perhaps I can work late
6.  Who fucking cares                 Are you sure that is the problem
7.  Eat shit and die                  You don't say
8.  Eat shit and die motherfucker     You don't say, Sir
9.  Kiss my arse                      So you would like me to help you
10. He's a fucking prick              He is somewhat insensitive
11. That's fucking bullshit           I find that hard to believe
12. You haven't got a fucking clue    You could benefit from more training
13. This place is fucked              We are a little disorganised today
14. What sort of fucker are you       You're new here aren't you?
15. Fuck off shit head                Well there you go
16. You're a fucking wanker           You're my manager and I respect you
17. Ha! Fuck you                      I wasn't there that day
18. This is bollocks                  We need to look into this some more
19. I aint got no cunt                I am rather short of labour
20. Fuck off                          I'll look into that and get back to you

A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs.
The Customs official says, "Have you got anything to declare?"
He thinks a second and he says, "It's a nice-a day!"

New scientific theories

2nd RunnerUp-  The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You yawn
to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change
outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so
they must yawn to even it all out.

A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived 
home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours 
pass she becomes more and more concerned until at 8 p.m. the husband 
finally pulls into the driveway. "What happened?" says the wife. "You 
should have been home hours ago!" "Harry had a heart attack at the third 
hole," replied the husband. "Oh, that's terrible," says the wife. "I 
know," the husband answers. "All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry, 
hit the ball, drag Harry..."