The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at 
thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope
out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make
every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says, "No way.  You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this."
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes 
crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, 
basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do?
I never thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says,
"I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just 
now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope headbutts her.

President Clinton to maid: Mam, can you do something about Hillary's room. 
She complains that it's the ugliest room in the White House. Maid: Yes, 
Mr. President--I'll remove the mirrors right away.

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashierand
was down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job.
The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate
New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.
Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a
burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself.
"He looks like he cantake care of any situation," thought the manager,
and decided, there and then,to hire him. He turned to the first
applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.
Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry
yourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier.
However,you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the
place on the application where we asked your formal education."
Jim looked a little confused so the manager said,
"Where did you get your financial education?"
"Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale."
"That's very good ... excellent. You're hired!"
"Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?"
Jim answered "I don't care... Yim... or Mr. Yonson."

Woman, "Slow down, foreplay is an art."

Man, "Well, if you don't get your canvas arranged soon,
      I'm going to spill my paint!"

   A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in
   their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he
   could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them
   thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then
   concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On
   your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some
   grapes and some doughnuts."
   
   "Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across
   the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's 'love canal'.
   Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and
   retrieve the grape using only your tongue."
   
   "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the
   room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his
   'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume
   the doughnut."
   
   The couple went home and their sex life became more and more
   wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should
   see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would
   not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted
   the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
   
   Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will
   not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will
   ever be. I cannot help."
   
   The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the
   Browns, now please, please help us."
   
   "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office,
   stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of
   Cheerios..."