Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady
of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of
agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm
down and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, father" the nun
began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I
heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest. 

"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun,
"it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a
contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"

"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."

"How much did you win?" 

                         Certificate of Upgrade to
                                      
                              Complete Asshole
     
   





                    Certificate of Upgrade


                              to


                       Complete Asshole



                        is awarded to




-------------------------------------------------------------



In Recognition of Your Obnoxious Attitude, Ability to Piss

People Off, Complete Asinine Juvenile Behavior and Total

Dedication to Personal Gain Without Regard to the Many

Hardships You Have Forced Upon Friends, Family, and Others

During Your Lifetime, You Have Become a Legend In YOUR Own

Mind.


To Recognize Your Upgrade From Half-Assed to Complete Asshole

Gives All Concerned Great Satisfaction.  If Anyone, For Any

Reason, Doubts Your Status,



                      JUST BE YOURSELF!




Effective Date _________________  Signed _____________________
  

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. 
Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they 
had done to the doctor. The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his 
stethoscope so he couldn't hear. The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse 
than that. I poked holes in all his condoms. The third nurse fainted.

Age       FAVORITE SPORT

        17         shopping
        25         shopping
        35         shopping
        48         shopping
        66         shopping

Why did Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley split up? 

     He wanted children and she didn't want to get a sex change.