A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. 
The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could 
get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for 
only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got the cow from 
Minsk.

It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots 
of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people 
decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, 
and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply 
again.

So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. 
When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the 
cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the 
cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all 
day.

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi 
what to do. After all he was very wise.

They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our 
cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left 
and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the 
right. What do we do?"

The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow 
from Minsk?"

"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said 
we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"

The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

There was three guys, one with a rubber dick, one with a wooden dick,
and one with a nine foot dick.
The guy with the rubber dick couldn't have sex because it wasn't hard.
The guy with the wooden dick couldn't have sex because the other
person would get splinters. 
Finally, the third guy with a nine foot dick says, "See that girl over
there? Bam. Got her." 

   Bank Teller
   A middle aged man walks into the bank and says to the young teller, "I
   want to open a
   fucking checking account". "Please sir", she replies, "we can't have
   language like that in
   here." "Why the Fuck not?" he asked. "Sir," Came her retort, "I must
   ask you to refrain
   from swearing." "I don't give a shit what you want," he answers, "I
   just want to open a
   fucking checking account."
   With this the teller leaves and returns in a moment with her branch
   manager. The manager
   asks if he might be able to help the gentleman. "Shit yes", came the
   reply, "I just won 14
   million dollars in the lottery and want to open a fucking checking
   account." The branch
   manager says, "I see, and this stupid, fucking, bitch is giving you a
   hard time?"
   

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me
for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman
for UPS.  Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent
section of the city.  When I rang the bell, the door opened and
there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She
had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed
in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And,
she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I
lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get
your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?"
the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate,
you jackass."

How is a woman like a road? 

    -Both have manholes.