Coach Bowden was talking to the newest player on the team.
"It's fantastic the way you strike the line, dodge, tackle and 
weave through your opponents."
Luke was a shy fellow, but blurted out, "I suppose it all 
comes from early training, sir.  You see, my mom used to take me 
shopping with her on sale days."

Three guys go into a bar, one in a wheelchair, one 
is blind and the other appears normal. A couple 
of minutes later, God walks in to get a beer. He 
sees the guys and decides to have compassion on 
them. 
He touches the blind guy on the forehead, and his 
sight is restored. He touches the man in the 
wheelchair and the guy jumps up and walks away. 
He walks to the last guy and the guy yells, 'Whoa, 
God! I'm on workman's comp!'

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her
dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for
a snow plow and follow it."

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She
followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of
the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that
her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a
plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking
lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart."

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said
"CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms. 

Q: What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic?

A: Snap-on tools!