If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one would win? Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that harass is one word.
HOW TO COOK A TURKEY! (The Thanksgiving Special) Step 1:Go buy a turkey Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) of JD Step 3: Put turkey in the oven Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink Step 7: Turn oven the on Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky Step 9: Turk the bastey Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey Step 16: Floor the turk Sent by Alex
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour, what the camel was for. The Sargent replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
A certain old gentleman thought his eyesight was going bad, and he was advised to go to see an eye doctor. He goes in to see the doctor, and the doctor said, "All right, let's check you out. You sit down here on this stool. You put your right hand over your right eye and read that chart on the wall over there." He puts his left hand over his left eye. The doctor says, "No, no, no. Put your right hand over your right eye." This old person puts both hands over both eyes. The doctor is now getting upset. The patient continues to screw up, and the doctor really gets mad and says, "All right, I'll fix you!" He gets a paper bag out of the closet, puts one hole in it, puts it over his head, and says, "Now, read that chart!" The guy read it perfect! The doctor takes the bag off, and this old person starts crying like a baby. The doctor says, "Now, what the hell is wrong with you?" "Well, when I first came in here, I had my heart set on wire frames!"
Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X's. He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show)...you get the idea. One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by. "So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously. Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing," he said, "but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record has just 2." Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making trouble," he said, "but my vife said that since I'm now such a high class rich guy, I should have a middle name!"
