What do you call a vegetarian with diahrrea?

A salad shooter.

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new
territory.  He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and
before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties
all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that
horseshit, I'll eat every chunk of it."  

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

He Salesman says, "why do you ask?"

She says "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet." 

When you go to the hospital how do you find the head nurse? 

Look for the nurse with dirty knees and swollen lips! 

This is what should happen to ALL CATS..!

HOW TO WASH THE CAT

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both 
lids up.

3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. 
(You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will 
self-agitate and make ample suds.  Never mind the noises that come from 
your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

CAUTION:
Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will 
be reaching out for anything they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.  This provides a Power "Wash" 
and "Rinse", which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no 
people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where 
he will dry himself.


Sincerely,

THE DOG

   Liz Taylor goes in to see her cosmetic surgeon. "I have met the man of
   my dreams, finally, the love of my life !" she announces to the
   surgeon, "But I need you to help me with a small problem. This man is
   only 18 years old, I am truly head over heels in love with him, and
   don't want to disappoint him in any way, so I want you to make my
   vagina look like that of an 18 year old."
   
   The surgeon tells Liz of the delicate situations involved with this
   operation, but does finally agree to performing the said operation.
   
   "But one thing" Liz says "you have to swear to me that no one knows
   about this operation, that no magazines or tabloids hear about it!"
   
   "I swear Liz" the surgeon replies.
   
   The big day arrives, Liz goes under the knife, the operation goes text
   book perfect and she is moved to a recovery room. Upon regaining
   consciousness, Liz's eyes focus on three huge floral arrangements at
   the foot of her bed. As the surgeon enters the room to check on her,
   Liz bursts into tears.
   
   "How could you do this to me !!! You swore that not a soul would hear
   of this operation!!! "
   
   "Now, now Liz, I didn't tell a soul. The first arrangement is from me.
   I've been your friend, as much as your surgeon for the past 10 years,
   I just wanted to make you feel good. The second arrangement is from
   the anesthesiologist, he's gay, he's one of your biggest fans, and I
   thought it was okay, since he's worked side by side with me on your
   operation."
   
   Liz's eyes gazed over to the third arrangement, pointing her finger
   ,"And who sent those?"
   
   "Oh yeah" the surgeon replied. "Those are from a guy in the burns
   unit, he wanted to thank you for his new ears".