Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. 
One was 40 years old, the other over 70. They rode on the elevator 
together at the end of an unbearable hot, sticky day. The younger man was 
completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was 
fresh as a daisy. "I don't understand," he marveled, "how you can listen 
to drooling patients from morning till night on a day like this and still 
look so spry and unbothered when it's over."
The older analyst said simply, "Who listens?" 

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" 
inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a 
hundred for?"

I'm not so sure evolution is indeed a valid theory. I mean, think
about it --  if it were, wouldn't all blondes have grown handles
by now?

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been 
for you?" Ed asked.
"Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife 
turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our 
savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run 
over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car 
rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down 
recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it 
all my business has just gone bust."
"Oh dear, that sounds terrible." Ed said. "What business were you in?"
"I sell lucky charms," said Ted.

Once upon a time there was this guy who bought a hang glider and took it 
out to the mountains to fly it. He was cruising along a few hundred feet 
above the treetops when he spots these two hunters down below.
He hollers and waves at them, trying to be sociable. Suddenly the hunters 
look up and they both fire their double barrel shotguns at him.
When the hang glider was out of sight one of the hunters turns to the 
other and says "What kinda bird you reckon that was?"
The other hunter replies "I don't rightly know, but I think we hit it.
"How's that?"
"You saw how fast he dropped that man he was caring, didn't ya?