An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly had
to fart.  She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air
with her deodorizer.
Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator.
He began to sniff.
The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"
"Why, yes, I do," he replied.
"What does it smell like?"
"Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit
in a pine tree."

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are 
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to 
blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." 
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he 
is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother 
quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." 
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and 
greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him 
$40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." 
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees 
the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the 
whole truth." 
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then 
come give your real father a big hug."

There were two cows in a paddock, enjoying the sun and eating some grass. 
The first cow said "Moo."
And the second cow said "That's funny, I was just about to say that." 

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle
nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber
being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is
the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are
manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait
a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss,
hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the
guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

Ok, kids, here's the gross one...

Q: What's the difference between acne and a priest?
A: Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13.