Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out
that she's pregnant! She is furious. Here just became the senator of
New York and this has happened to her. She gets Bill on the phone and 
immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen?
With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How
could you??!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks 
pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have
you got to say???"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams
again, "Did you hear me??!!" Finally she hears Bill's very, very
quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

There were these three blokes sitting on the high cliffs of a lonely 
beach, with a rope going down into the surf and a Chinaman frantically 
trying to climb up.
While they were sitting there a Priest walks along, looks over and says, 
"God bless you children, that's Christianity at work. May the lord bless 
you both," and then kept on walking.
One bloke looks at the other, "Who the fuck was that?" "Oh," said the 
other bloke, "that's Father Johnston. He knows all there is about the 
bible."
The other bloke looked around and quickly says, "Well he knows fuck 
all about shark fishing."

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day 
of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and 
a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to 
sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give 
me the broom, I'll show you how."

"Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again." the wife 
told her husband.

"How can you tell ?" he asked. "Did you smell it ?"

"Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over 
here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats . . ."

   One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd
   toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of
   catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer
   her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but
   succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for
   assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided
   to go to hospital.
   
   As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with
   her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date
   said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit
   down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to
   blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and
   daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was
   nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for
   something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.
   
   The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think
   he's going to be when he grows older?!"
   
   The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"