A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
   carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,
   "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F _ _ _-UP!" For a moment,
   everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely
   lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because
   he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired
   before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In
   memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved
   "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fxxk-up!"


  

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher
commented that the next day would be the shortest day
of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited,
cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the
amount of daylight changes,not the actual amount of
time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

Sign in a Japanese hotel: 

    You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.