A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers:
"I can lick any man in the place!"
The nearest customer looks him up and down,
then says: "Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your
first time in a gay bar?"

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher 
asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, 
"Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell 
before?"

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, 
"Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E." 

"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"

Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."  

   THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a
   young man.
   
   Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look
   how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two
   hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me
   McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
   
   Then the old man gestured at the bar.
   
   "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed
   that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me
   own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me
   McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
   
   Then the old man points out the window.
   
   "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as
   far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back.
   I nailed it board by board. But do they call me
   McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
   
   Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is
   paying attention.
   
   "But ya fuck one goat . . . "
   

Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history. 
He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing 
where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all
on borrowed money. 

A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the 
detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of 
compromising situations as the man can get.

Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all the evidence he needs. 
They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them are sitting there watching the videos. 
The man sees his wife meeting another man, then the two of them are walking in the park 
laughing. Another series shows her with a different man laughing and dancing. All together, he
watches a dozen or so different activities, each with a different man, each time both she and 
the man are sharing obvious utter glee.

"Amazing," said the shocked husband, "simply amazing ! I just can't believe it."

"What can't you believe ?" asked the detective, "It's all right there for you to see, plus I 
have all the times and dates in my log."

"I know, I know!" said the man, still in shock, "I just can't believe my wife could be that 
much fun."