Miles Dobson was away from home on business in another city. When he 
called home, his wife told him, "Miles, they had your name in the obits 
today."
"What! In the obituary column! That's not only disgraceful but bad 
journalism. I'll sue 'em."
"Tell me, Miles," his wife asked tremulously, "wh...wh...where are you 
calling from?" 

Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he 
noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her 
boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the 
flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after 
everyone else left the church.
When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice. 
"Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"
"Why reverend." the young thing replied. All of my boyfriends tell me that 
they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."
"Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head 
between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said. "I 
don't hear any angels singing!"
"Of course not reverend." she said. Your not plugged in yet."

Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.

"I've got a beaut cure for a headache," said his mate Trev. "Whenever I 
have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet 
blowjob. Never fails."

A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my 
headache cure," asked Trev. "Yeah said Phil, worked great! Your house is 
nice, too!"

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.  Simply cross
out the names and address of people you don't know. FOOL other drivers into
thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote
control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting
the curb. LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna.  I found
that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in
only 2 days. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned
to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. NO TIME for a
bath?  Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it
off. SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whisky.  The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full
of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. RECREATE
the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the
bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it,
before jumping in.