What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy.

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a 
rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and 
said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."

How to Hunt Elephants -- Sales Style

Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time
selling elephants they haven't  caught, for delivery two
days before the season opens.  Software salespeople ship the
first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an
elephant.  Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them
gray and sell them as "desktop elephants."

Sent by Alex

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the
front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he
says. "That's cool" says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby
replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda
shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw?
I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a
quite a surprise to Bobby-so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw;
she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for
the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes
later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and
announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with
anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house,
slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"Dammit Daddy! It's called the twist!" 

How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. one to screw in the lightbulb, and another to suck my dick
….as I beat my wife!