"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor of the 
heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and 
decided to take a ride on the roller coaster.  As 
we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed 
a little sign by the side of the track.  I tried
to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make 
it out.  I was so curious that I decided to go round 
again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see 
what the sign said.  By now, I was determined to read 
that sign so I went round a third time.  As we reached 
the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" 
asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

   
   A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
   the front door.
   "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil
   all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move
   until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
   "What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh,
   it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one
   for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us too." No
   more was said about the "statue."
   Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the
   kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here." he
   said to the 'statue.' "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's
   for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of 
the town tavern.

"Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven 
one day."

"Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"

   I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.
   It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there:
   
                     They have no wife to go home to...
                                or they do.

The police have rounded up some suspects for a identification line up for 
a rape suspect. When the lady walks in to pick out the suspect the guy 
shouts,"That's her! That's her!"