A very very rich gentleman dies,leaving his fortune to his only living
   friends, a Doctor, a
   CEO, and a Lawyer. But being the eccentric he was, his will stipulated
   that each one must
   place their third of the money in his coffin before he is put in his
   final resting place. The
   funeral comes and goes. Over a year later the three friends are
   talking over lunch and the
   topic of the old man and his strange ways comes into the conversation.
   The Doctor finally
   says "I have to be honest, I didn't place ALL of the money into his
   coffin, I kept five
   million". Then the CEO states "Well, I have to admit that I too kept
   some of the cash. Ten
   million to be exact". The Lawyer glares at the two and says "I am
   ASHAMED of you two,
   I wrote a check for the FULL amount!"
   

The external organs of a body were fighting over who should be boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss, since I control what the person 
thinks." 
The hands said, "I should be boss because I do almost everything for the 
person."
The legs declared, "I shuld be boss since I carry the body and all the 
weight is on me."
So they went on, each stating their qualities and uses.
Then the Asshole spoke up, "I think I should be boss, because.."
He had not finished when everyone else started laughing at him. "You, an 
asshole, be the boss? You gotta be kidding!"
The asshole was very unhappy, and he closed himself up.
The body soon suffered a terrible constipation, and the organs could not 
take it anymore. "Ok, ok, you're the boss!" they gave
in. So the asshole became the boss of the body.

The moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss, you just need 
to be an asshole. 

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a
building on fire.  A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her
pet cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat."

"No," she cries, "It's too far."

"I play football, I can catch him."

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to
Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.

Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.
The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch
it.  He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed
catch.  The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into
cheers.

Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his
knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

A blonde was plugging dollar after dollar into the
coke machine at a large Vegas casino. She kept
punching the buttons only to have happen what you'd
expect. Cans of soda popped out, one after the other,
and change too! 

After a while, she ran out of dollar bills so went
and got more. Back at it she went, blocking the way
to the other vending machines with the mounting pile
of soda. All kinds. It didn't seem to matter to the
young lady. 

People were starting to gather, seeing this beautiful
woman enthusiastically plugging money in like it was
fun. The people were gathering more though waiting their
turn at the machines. 

After watching a while, someone asked from the rear of
the group, 'Hey, how much soda does one blonde need?' 

'Hey back off, buddy,' she retorts, 'can't you see I'm
winning here?'