So the new conductor addresses the orchestra. He tells them that
things are going to change, that everyone will be expected to be
on time and that they will work for many long hours. The timpanist,
expressing his displeasure at the turn of events, belts out on the
drums BOOM-BOOM- BOOM-BOOM. The conductor, whirling around
furiously, says, "Alright, who did that?!" 

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so
long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married
and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So,
he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the
plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. 

As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and 
exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead 
Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me
face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis." 

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and
he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and
step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God!
It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so
great to see you!" "Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn
around and drive!" 

So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things 
and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God!
It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this
day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free 
cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, 
complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you... Thank
you very much!"

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.

A man was interviewing for a sales representative. One candidate would
have been ideal for the position except that he had a disconcerting
mannerism. He kept winking.
"Look here, I'd like to give you the job, you've got good references
and experience. The trouble is this trick you've got of winking all the
time, it might put our customers off."
"No worries." the candidate replied. "All I've got to do to get rid of
it is to take a couple of aspirins."
So saying he began emptying his pockets. The employer was startled to
see dozens of condoms, multi coloured ones, ribbed ones, heavy duty
varieties and every known brand of standard condom.
"Here we are." said the rep. He swallowed two aspirins and his winking
stopped at once.
"Thats all very well but we couldn't hire a man who was going to be
womanising all over his territory."
"Oh I wouldn't dream of it, I'm happily married."
"Then how do you account for all of these things?"
"Simple, Did you ever go into a chemist winking all the time and ask for
a packet of aspirins?" 

Do you know the difference in sugar and Sweet-n-Low?
šššSugar is when you kiss her on the lips!