Golf in the Bedroom
   Rules of Play
   Each player shall provide his own equipment - normally one club and
   two balls.
   Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
   Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
   keep the balls out of the
   hole.
   For the most effective play, the club owner should have a firm shaft.
   Course owners are
   permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
   Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
   damage to the hole.
   The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
   the course owner is
   satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in
   denied permission to play
   the course again.
   It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
   arrival at the course.
   The experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire
   course, with special
   attention to well formed bunkers.
   Players are encouraged not to mention other courses they have played,
   or are currently
   playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have
   been known to
   damage a player's equipment for this reason.
   Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
   protection.
   Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
   scheduled, particularly
   when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players
   have been known to
   become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they
   considered to be a private
   course.
   Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
   Some players may be
   embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair.
   Players are advised to be
   extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find
   alternate means of play
   at this time.
   Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
   attempting to play the
   back nine.
   Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
   proceed at a quicker
   pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
   It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
   same course several
   times in one month.
   

How to hunt elephants -- Lawyer's style

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds
around arguing about who owns the droppings.  Software
lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the
look and feel of one dropping.

Sent by Alex

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wellsburg, Iowa, received a check
for $1,000.00  from the government for not raising hogs.  So I want to
go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

  What I want to know is, in your  opinion,  what is the best  kind of
farm not to  raise  hogs on and what is the best  breed of hogs not to
raise?  I want to be sure that I approach  this  endeavor  in  keeping
with  all   governmental   policies.  I  would  prefer  not  to  raise
razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I would
just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

  As I see it, the hardest part of this  program will be in keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

  My  friend,  Peterson,  is  very  joyful  about  the  future  of the
business.  He has been  raising  hogs for twenty  years or so, and the
best he ever made on them was $442.00 in 1968, until this year when he
got your check for $1,000.00 for not raising hogs.

  If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000.00 for
not  raising  100 hogs?  I plan to operate on a small  scale at first,
holding  myself  down to about 4,000 hogs not raised,  which will mean
about $80,000.00 the first year.  Then I can afford an airplane.

  Now  another  thing.  These hogs I will not be raising  will not eat
100,000  bushels of corn.  I understand  that you also pay farmers for
not  raising  corn and  wheat.  Will I qualify  for  payments  for not
raising  wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000  hogs I am not  going to
raise?

  I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good
time of the year not to raise hogs and grain.

  Also, I am considering  the "not milking cows"  business, so send me
any information on that too.

  In view  of  these  circumstances,  you  understand  that I will  be
totally  unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

  Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.


Patriotically yours,


Jean Partridge

An Australian joke...

St Peter is standing at the pearly gates one day when a pair of Abo's 
stroll up.
"Your names aren't on today's list... let me go and ask the Boss" he says.
In God's office he tells the Big Man all about the two Abo's, and God
tells Peter to go and tell them to fuck right off.
St Peter takes his leave. 
5 minutes later St Peter runs back into the room and says "they're gone"
God says "the Abo's? Good". 
and St Peter replies... "NO THE PEARLY GATES!!!".

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree ? 
     - Because it was dead. 

Why did the baby fall out of the tree ? 
     - Because it was stapled to the monkey.