Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an 
Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same 
job and both applicants having the same qualifications were 
asked to take a test by the Department manager. 

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the 
questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you 
for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the 
job."

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 
questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I 
should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct 
answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better 
than the other?"

Manager: "Simple. The American put down on question # 5, 'I 
don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"

The teacher walks in and finds an apple on her desk with the letters "ILU" 
written on it. The teacher asks who left it. A little white girl raises 
her hand. Well sweetie, what does "ILU" mean? The little girl replies, "I 
love you."
The teacher says, "Isn't that sweet," and continues with class. The next 
day the teacher finds a banana on her desk with the letters "YAS" written 
on it. The teacher asks who left and what does it mean. A little white boy 
raises his hand and says, "It means, You are special." "Thank you 
sweetheart", the teacher says.
The following day, the teacher walks in to find a watermelon with the 
letters "FUCK" written on it. The enraged teacher asks who left it and if 
they know what that means. A little black girl raises her hand and 
cheerfully says, "Yes maam, I left it. It means, from us colored kids!". 

Q: Why was the snowman smiling?
A: He heard the snowblower coming!

The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable. 
The three of them decide to duck inside.
On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway. 
"Jesus Christ!" he says.
Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better 
than Clyde!"

   Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The
   first mouse slams
   down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into
   one on purpose and as
   it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty
   times." And with that
   he slams another shot.
   The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take
   those Decon
   tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun of it." And with
   that he slams another
   shot.
   The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first
   two mice look at
   each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell
   are you going?"
   The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."