A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to 
go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his 
problem.  

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready
to ejaculate, try startling yourself." 

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter 
pistol.  All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two
began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later,
felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. 

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.  The doctor asked, 
"How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the
pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my 
neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

"...clamp...sponge...scalpel...oops..." 

A man goes into a doctor's office and says "Doctor! Doctor! I have five
penises!"
The doctor says,"Good lord! How do your pants fit?"
The man replies, "Like a glove."

Q. What do you call a musician without a significant other? 

               A. Homeless.

The girl knelt in the confessional and said,
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity.
Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror
and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl,
and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't
a sin... it's simply a mistake."