What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?


                                         The Captain's log.

   The Hat

   An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat.
   Instead of buying a
   new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the
   vestibule. When he
   got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew
   where he had to sit
   and listen to the entiresermon on "The Ten Commandments." After
   church, the man met
   the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and
   told him "I want to
   thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal
   a hat and after
   hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."
   Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your
   mind?"
   Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did.
   As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old hat!"
   

A lady golfer is stung by a wasp.

She goes to look for the greenkeeper and finds him.

"I've been stung by a wasp" She says.
" Where did it get you?" He replies
"Between the 1st and 2nd hole"
"I think your stance must be a little too wide"

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out 
and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears 
some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of 
his trunk! He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!" "OK," the 
man says, "You take the front and I`ll take the back."

    Speaking of spelling, here's a news bulletin ........
   The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
   English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,
   which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
   Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for
   improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be
   known as "EuroEnglish."
   In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c" . . . Sertainly, this
   will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be
   dropped in favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and
   keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
   There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
   troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f." This will make words
   like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
   In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
   to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
   Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have
   always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
   horible mess of the silent "e's" in the language is disgraseful, and
   they should go away.
   By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
   with "z" and the "w" with "v."
   During the fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
   kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
   kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yar, ve vil hav a realy sensibl
   vriten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evryvun vil
   find it easy tu understand each ozer.
   ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!