Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurance
company ...

Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.
Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that. 
We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one 
of comparable worth.
Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, John 
suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped in
and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act.
He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as
he is OK.
Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is 
that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, 
since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a 
normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have 
saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died.
David: Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry

Santas Diversion



Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was
awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch.



Santa declined, saying "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."



Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear.
"OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she begged. Taking a long look, Santa sighed
and delivered a not too believable, "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents
you know."



Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining
clothing, smiled and said in the sexiest voice imaginable, "Oh, Santa, please
reconsider? Stay with me?"



With a very pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said very slowly, "Ho -ho,
gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."



And with that, he turned and left. Two minutes passed, and Santa reappeared, plopping
himself down on the couch next to the beautiful girl.



"Santa! You decided to stay!" she exclaimed gleefully.

Santa grinned and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!"




Sent by Neicey

Q: What's the differenc between a blond and a mosquito?

A: A mosquito stops sucking once you whack it.

Two mates were screwing the same chick at the same time, and they were
greeted with the sad news one day that their common squeeze had got 
knocked up. Having no way of knowing which was the father, the two mates 
chipped in and sent her out of town to have the little bastard.
Several months passed without either of the mates hearing from the chick,
so one of them decided to find her and get some news about the pregnancy.
The next day, the other dude got a call from his mate. "I've got some good
news and some bad news," the mate said on the telephone.
"Well, give me the good news first," replied the other.
"The good news is that she's fine, and she had twins," came the reply.
"And the bad news?"
"Mine died"