How do you play Iraqi bingo?

F18...B52...F18


Sent by Onky

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours
to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast,
he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was
about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if
he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being
able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the 
ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. 
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself 
with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his 
ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several 
minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, 
"You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit 
the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it 
thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally
lay. 

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age 
that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to 
find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she 
became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of 
their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the 
court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything 
to say to defend herself.

"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if 
he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"

    You have to read the whole thing:

   The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for
   the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.
   1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
   delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
   have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most
   men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal
   are part of the warm welcome needed.
   2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed
   when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and
   be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be
   a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a
   lift.
   3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of
   the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books,
   toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband
   will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give
   you a lift too.
   4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's
   hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary,
   change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to
   see them playing the part.
   5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise
   of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children
   to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be
   glad to see him.
   6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
   complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with
   what he might have gone through that day.
   7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or
   suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready
   for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in
   a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and
   unwind.
   8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
   moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
   9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to
   dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand
   his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
   10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where
   your husband can relax.
   *********************************************************
   Now the updated version for the '90s woman.
   1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day
   becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where
   you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day
   has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
   2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way
   home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming
   irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his
   credit card!)
   3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know
   you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any
   miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in
   the Goodwill box in the garage.
   4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's!
   5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the
   washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the
   noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him
   with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster).
   6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him
   speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and
   remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's
   late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the
   cooking and the cleanup.
   7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy
   blanket if he's cold. This will show you really care.
   8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
   9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage
   disposal fixed.
   10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him
   that you make more money than he does.

What's another term for cunnilingus? 

Genital Slurpees.