A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the 
car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice 
your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really
indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are 
glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone 
call. It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had gotten 
himself into quite a fix.

"See, he was kissing his girlfriend, and when my wife and I came back from 
the movies we found them stuck together."

"I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman," said the dentist calmly, "and don't 
worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time."

Mr. Tuckerman whispered, "Yes, but from an IUD?"

The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's um...
little sailor can't salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor
and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for
her. The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says,
"listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since your husband's
on his way out...Get this prescription, and put three drops in his
milk before he goes to bed." The wife is very happy and thanks the
doc profusely. 

Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.
The lady blushes, smiles and says, "well I put thirty drops in his
milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close
the coffin." 

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice
mail. People don't call you just because they want to give
you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU
to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your
calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail
message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond
during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks
like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're
being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method
of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when
nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the
caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't
involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever
hear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If your
voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can
hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to
do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that
takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers
will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox
is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in
high demand.