Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding... "I'm not sure if
my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that.  All you need is
some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel.  You paint one ball red and
one ball blue.  On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are
the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"

"Information.  Can I help you?"

"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."

"One moment, please."  Pause.  "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing 
for a Theodore Guild."

"No, no.  It isn't a person.  It's an organization.  It's Theater
Guild."

"I told you, sir.  I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"Not *Theodore*!  *Theater*!  The word is *theater*.  
T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"

"That, *sir*, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."

If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women
around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Q: Why did Mike Tyson learn to bite ears?

A: How else do you tell a 275 pound inmate that "no means no"?

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy
back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a 
red faced colonel at the wheel.  "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked
the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the
keys, "*Yours* is."