From one of Tom Clancy's books:
Commanding officer:  "Alright! How about an attitude check???" 
Crew (In Unison): "I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!" 

CO: "Now, let's be more positive..." 
Crew: "I POSITIVELY HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!" 

CO: "OK, How about a negative attitde check..." 
Crew: "I DON'T LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE!" 

CO: "OK, How about a short attitude check ..?" 
Crew: "FUCK THIS PLACE!"

   On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked
   his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body.
   
   She said, "I can't wear your pants."
   
   "That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the
   one who wears the pants in the family."
   
   The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try it on.
   
   "No way. I can't get into your panties." he said.
   
   "That's right. And that's the way it'll be until you change your
   attitude." she said and smiled.

Guess what? You're pregnant! 

    The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was
   relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he
   suddenly said "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?" Before she could
   respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing
   that he wasn't wearing any. She glanced down and said, "Nice design,
   does it also come in men's sizes ?

   After the third day of a really torrid honeymoon, the young couple
   finally emerged from their room and walked into the hotel restaurant.
   After they were seated, the waiter came over to get their orders. The
   new husband looked at his bride and said, "You know what I really feel
   like honey ?"
   
   "Well sure," she blushed, "But we gotta eat sometime !"