Two neighbors had been fighting each other for
nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and
teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard.
For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. 

So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the
bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a
half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being
ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front
of Bill's house. 

Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the
18-wheeler. 
'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly. 

When the milkman found a note on one of his customer's
doors asking for 16 gallons instead of the usual quart,
he rang the bell.
"Sorry to bother you, ma'am," he said, "but are you sure
you want sixteen gallons of milk today?"
"Oh, yes," said the lady of the house. "I'm going to take
a milk bath."
"Do you want it pasteurized?"
"No, just up to my tits would be fine." 

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?

A mental hospital.

What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?

Crib death.

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd
   scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
   To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu.
   Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her,
   "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
   "No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."