A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Kansas to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the
window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have
baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes
have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an
answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy
asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big
cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said that she had. She then said, "Tell your mother
that Southwest always pulls out on time." 

"Jim will not be in today.  He is not feeling himself.  Thank you."

THIS MEANS:

1. He doesn't feel the way he usually does.
2. He is not in complete control of his hands.
3. His emotions are shattered.
4. His skin is numb.
5. He has transofrmed into an alter-ego (i.e. professional wrestler)
6. He is not feeling himself, in a biblical sense.
7. He has been covered in saran-wrap.
8. He is in an isolation tank.
9. He wanted to take a day off but couldn't come up with an actual illness
   to fake.
10. He is feeling others.

:) by Jennifer Schmidt and Nick Gass
JenSch@aol.com

Q: What has four legs and eight arms?

A: A pit-bull terrier at a children's play area. 

How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.

How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.

How do you know there are *two* elephants in your fridge?
The door won't close.

How do you know there are *three* elephants in your fridge?
There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.

How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
By the footprints in the butter.

    The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants

   Teaching Introductory Computer Science Courses for Non-majors
   LATE HOMEWORK When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late
   and asks for full credit, accept the late work and tell them that it
   will be awarded full credit. However, do inform them that you will not
   have time to grade it until after you complete your Ph.D.
   DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS 1. If students will not stop talking when the
   class period begins, announce that there will be a quiz the following
   day on today's lecture. Then leave. 2. If your students are prone to
   reading the school paper in class, try taking out a full page ad in
   the paper informing them that they are going to flunk your class.
   LECTURES 1. In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be
   sure to use the class time to stress to the class the importance of
   keeping up with the readings. In fact, spend most of the class time
   stressing this. 2. When the time comes to lecture on a subject you
   know nothing about, the art of controlled digression is invaluable.
   Here, you try to incite unrelated questions from the class which you
   answer at length. Then at the end of class scold them for digressing
   and tell them they'll just have to get the material from the book.
   GRADING 1. Always use a fire engine red felt-tip marker with a 1/2
   inch tip to grade papers. Position your comments strategically so that
   they spell "DUMB" when seen from a distance. 2. You may grade
   assignments however you like. Here is a guide to quick and easy
   grading: 20 % Name 20 % Penmanship 50 % Homework is stapled together
   10 % The work itself Warning: Be prepared for a 60% class average.
   GRADING ERRORS If student A approaches you complaining that an answer
   on their exam was marked incorrect but was marked correct on student
   B's exam, promptly mark student B's answer incorrect as well. This
   will redirect the heat from you onto student A.
   EXTRA CREDIT 1. If students request extra credit to make up for the
   homework they didn't turn in, be sure to make the opportunity
   available to them. Some good extra credit problems are: Solve the
   dining philosopher's problem, using semaphores. Write a C compiler for
   the Commodore 64. Translate Moby Dick into ASCII-8 code with a
   leftmost odd parity bit. Design a replacement for the 80486 chip.
   Build a File Allocation Table (FAT) out of balsa wood. 2. You may also
   wish to tell the student that they can do extra credit work while you
   decide whether to accept it. When the student turns in the work,
   decide against it.
   CHEATING 1. When it is obvious to you that several people have copied
   each other's homework, grade one person's work on a separate sheet of
   paper, then photocopy your comments onto everyone else's homework. 2.
   Should you have very skilled cheaters in your class, try giving
   incorrect information during your lectures. This should result in
   incorrect answers on exams. Examples that have proven effective
   include: The three components of a computer system are Larry, Moe and
   Curly. The only possible digits in the binary system are 0, 1, and 2.
   The three components of the CPU are the ALU, REGISTERS and cheap
   bathroom lighting fixtures. The microphone is an output device.
   "Booting" the computer involves waving a large magnet over your hard
   drive for 60 seconds. MS-DOS is the operating system for the CRAY
   Y-MP. When preparing to purchase a new computer system running
   Windows, you should make sure it has at least 128,000 bytes of main
   memory. Protocols include saluting your computer and calling the mouse
   "sir". CPU stands for Ceramic Public Urinal. Structured Programming
   says that you can write any computer program using only three basic
   control structures: Sequence, Selection and Guessing.
   LAB You are expected to spend at least 4 hours each week in the lab to
   assist with student's questions. Students have been known to come up
   with some real beauties: "Why should I save it? I wasn't done yet."
   "My disk erased itself!" "Hurry up, I need help. This was due last
   week." "Directory? What's that?" "What do I need my textbook for? I'm
   using a computer." Here are the solutions to the most common problems:
   P: "The screen is blank - I can't see what I'm doing" S: Turn on the
   monitor P: "How do I get into Windows?" S: Stare at it long enough and
   it will start to look like candy. P: "I can't get this computer to do
   anything." S: Have them move to a computer that has a keyboard. P:
   "The stupid printer printed the wrong file." S: Reprimand the printer.
   P: "WordPerfect didn't do what I told it to do." S: Tell them they
   have to earn its respect first.